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Have you noticed that, in guiding your children, questions capture
their attention better than commands? But wait: questions need to be worded
carefully, because not all questions are beneficial...or even fair.
When something goes wrong between two children, instead of asking, "Okay, what
did you do this time?" ask, "What happened here?"
Why? Because "What did you do?" projects blame, while, "What happened
here?" is neutral and is, therefore, more likely to lead to the truth.
Next, avoid the word, "yet", as in, "Are you finished with your homework yet?"
What's wrong with "yet"?
Rather than encouraging a person to hurry up, "yet" usually intimidates. In
other words, its goal is to make the other person feel bad for not being
finished with a task, without regard to ability, quality, circumstances, etc.
What to do? Just discard "yet" and ask, "Are you finished with your homework?"
Then, there's the "...n't" group, as in, "Aren't you ashamed that you made
such a fuss over going to bed?" Similar to "yet", "...n't" words
encourage your child to say what he thinks you want to hear, not what is really
happening.
Other "...n't" intimidators to avoid: "Didn't you hear me?" -- "Haven't
you gotten dressed?" -- "Now, don't you like that spinach after all?"
A few other guidelines:
Avoid questions that threaten, like, "Do you want to lose your TV privileges?"
Instead, ask, "Before you watch TV, where will you be doing your homework?"
Avoid choices that don't exist, like, "Do you want me to leave you here?"
Instead ask, "Do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand?"
Avoid questions about decisions that belong to you, such as, "Are you ready to
go to bed now?" Instead ask, "What's going to happen in five minutes?"
Finally, avoid tones of voice that are impatient or sarcastic. As tempting as
they are to use, both attitudes almost always work against you in the long run.
Here's the bottom line: think carefully about the questions you use. sed
wisely, they can improve relationships with your children...and the rest of
your world.
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