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If threats and warnings are
underminers of parental leadership, as we suggested in last month's article,
then today's parents must be in a world of hurt. And they are!
It's a well-known fact that in many (if not most) school
classrooms, 75% - 80% of the day is spent on disciplinary issues. The same
thing is probably true in the homes of those children. Why is that?
The answer isn't simple, but we suggest that it has to
include T&W (Threat & Warning) Fatigue. No, you won't find that term in
any psychology books, but it's the same thing as other kinds of fatigue where
the senses (in this case, the senses of motivation) become so overloaded, they
stop reacting to all but the very strongest incoming signals.
And how to turn all that around?
We find that most people who work with children fail to
understand the power of positive management - its tools and how to use them.
There are dozens of really fine ideas being taught these days. Here are a few:
Speak respectfully to your child.
To gain respect, we must first use respect.
Speak in natural, unforced tones.
Avoid shouting at the kids. All that does is make matters worse in the future.
Tell and show your child what you want him TO do.
If you think it is important to
talk about what NOT to do, be sure to place the greatest emphasis on and end
your explanation with what TO do.
Get your child's full attention:
a) Suspend all activity while you talk.
b) Make sure your eyes meet the child's eyes.
c) Give your instruction clearly and briefly.
d) Immediately after you finish, ask your child what he heard.
Use the Three-Question Quiz . Here
are three questions that help your child repeat your instructions three times:
"What did I ask you to do?"
"What does that mean?"
"What are you going to do?"
Incredibly, when your child repeats the same answer three
times, those words create positive action...and without a fuss or a fight!
Use Quiet Correction. Once you
have directed your child to do something and it isn't getting done, go TO your
child and help him or her get started. And do it without any words at all.
If you will consistently follow these positive practices,
you will see your situation gradually turn from something stressful into
something beautiful. Believe it...because it's true!
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